DOJ And FBI: There Is No "Naughty List", And Mall Santas Do Not Report To The Real Santa
Following a thorough investigation from the Department of Justice and the FBI, investigators have found that there is not nor has there ever been a "Naughty List" which Santa Claus had reportedly been using to record the names of bad little boys and girls who would be getting coal for Christmas.
The report comes as a shock to the entire world, as we've all been lead to believe we would receive coal if we were bad. But it's now beginning to appear that bad little boys and girls do not get coal. If their names are not recorded, there is no list for Santa to check, neither once nor twice. The implication would be that there is no way for Santa to know if we're naughty or nice, if there is no list to designate those of us who are naughty in addition to those who are nice. This would change the very fabric of civilization as we know it. If there is no coal for the bad boys and girls, what's to stop them from being bad? Sure, some boys and girls are good because they just are. It's inherent for them, in their nature. And some boys and girls will be bad because they just are. But the vast majority of little boys and girls act in a manner that could be swayed either way, and all it takes is the threat of coal to keep them in line. Don't you see? We are treading on very dangerous ground here.
On top of this revelation, the FBI is stating that there is no evidence that Mall Santas report to the real Santa, or that they even work for him in the first place. In fact, the FBI insists that malls just hire these guys. Like, for entertainment? Very believable, I'm sure.
These reports have lead to an explosion of social media outcry from conspiracy theorists, who seem to believe there is some vast network of some kind of spies that work for Santa, collecting up information on all the good boys and girls. The Mall Santas were said to be a pivotal part of this theory. When pressed for comment on how Santa could possibly know who's naughty or nice without Mall Santas or some other kind of sophisticated intelligence agency, officials had nothing to say. When pushed further, with evidence of Santa knowing who's good and bad because of the presents under each and every tree in the world, officials seemed to imply it was my parents, which is utterly absurd. My parents would not and could not get presents for every kid in the whole world. And there's no way they'd know exactly what I want unless they read the letters I wrote to Santa, which is ridiculous as I'd sealed the letters before handing them over for them to put in the little blue dropbox on their way to work. For my parents to open those sealed letters would be a crime. Only Santa could open, would open those letters.
I for one am not satisfied with this report, and it's becoming very clear that there is some kind of coverup. They're trying to convince us that Santa isn't real, and that there is no naughty list. That way, we'll all be naughty, and all get on the naughty list. And then we'll all get coal, and they're get to hog all the presents to themselves. Greedy politician bastards. But I'm not falling for it.
We would like to urge our readers to remain calm, and not do anything excessively naughty. Have faith. Have faith that good boys and girls get presents, and bad boys and girls get coal. This is the cornerstone of Christmas. Knowing that some bastard is getting coal. It's even more important than the gifts. Because even if we didn't get gifts, knowing some stupid jackass retard is getting coal makes it all worth it.